I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
