I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
