how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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