I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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