dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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