if i can run in heels then i can drive
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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