so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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