I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
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Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize