I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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