He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
