she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
