mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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