i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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