You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
