I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
