The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
