Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
