you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
