now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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