i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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