Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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