The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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