I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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