Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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