My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
