Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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