it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
