Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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