He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
