I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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