watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
