A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
