"it" just moved
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How external is "for external use only"?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
