3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
