I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
