so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
