dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
