My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
