relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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