Your mouth is God's brothel.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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