fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
