i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
