just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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