Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Green mimosas i think yes
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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