I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
