In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
