Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it hurts more in the daytime
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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