I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize