I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
