apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
tell me about the eggs
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