When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
