my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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