Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
